12 Steps to Healthy Secure Attachment


The quality of your relationships, especially your romantic ones, does hinge to a significant extent on both your and your partner’s attachment styles. At least one of you two needs to be securely attached in order to have a fulfilling relationship.

Besides that, being securely attached comes with a host of other benefits; feeling more confident, being more open to interacting and connecting with people with ease, and so forth.

Someone recently asked for the 12 Steps from Insecure towards Secure Attachment. Here’s my take on it. (The focus of this article lies on romantic relationships, but you can apply this to platonic relationships as well, with slight alterations.)

  1. Realize there is a problem when it comes to your interactions and attachments with people (esp. romantic partners).
  2. Read up on attachment style theory.
  3. Read up on the insecure attachment style of your (past) partner(s).
  4. Get over the inevitable “villain-ization process” when you are a Love Addict/Preoccupied person who used to chase after Love Avoidants/Dismissives. If you are a Love Avoidant/Dismissive, get over that denial of having had no fault when it comes to how your relationships failed in the past.
  5. Read up on your attachment style, get to the bottom of it, and see how you fit the descriptions/profile.
  6. Develop the desire to change. This can take quite a while for Love Avoidants. Recognize how much your insecure attachment style has ruined or seriously jeopardized your (past) relationship(s).
  7. Read up on healthy/secure attachment style behavior.
  8. Learn to recognize quickly whether someone is insecurely or securely attached.
  9. Only go for people who are securely attached in romance, followed by those who have the same attachment style as you. Avoid the opposite attachment style at all costs.
  10. Emulate healthy attachment style behavior as best as you can.
  11. Keep trying to act as if you were securely attached. Recognize when you are falling back into old patterns. Don’t stop with readjusting. Eventually your attachment style will change, because your actions will create a new habit of relating to another. (If you’ve been single before, you are now in a relationship with a secure or same attachment-style partner.)
  12. Keep improving your attachment style behavior and foster genuine, healthy intimacy with your partner. Celebrate the fact you haven’t fallen back into negative old patterns for a long time.

How did you move from Insecure to Secure Attachment? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments below! 🙂

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